All married people have one thing in common, that is, that they are married to a human being. Human beings are imperfect creatures who make mistakes, have annoying idiosyncrasies and change over time. Just by virtue of getting married, there is enough material present to cause a divorce.

Divorce affects families as well as friends, family and neighbors.  When marriages end, sometimes the children are used as pawns.  Divorce hurts children even more than the parents.  Children end up feeling guilty or simply caught in the middle.

Marriage

Marriage is a coupling of two individuals in more ways than one. It has physical, emotional, financial, social and legal aspects. No other relationship can come close to it in depth and scope. But how do two people go about finding a partner to get married to? There are two ways – arranged marriage or love marriage

“Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.” is a  quote by  Tom Mullen but how true is this considering that arranged marriages still occur in most parts of the world even Africa.

In an arranged marriage, choosing a partner is a collective decision of the person to be married as well as his or her family members. The benefits are that choosing a bride or groom is a matter handled with due care and consideration and with a cool head. All efforts are made to ensure that the two would-be partners are evenly matched in terms of lifestyle, educational qualifications, family background, earning potential and even physical appearance.In an arranged married, choosing a spouse is a calculated decision in which emotions or heart have no role to play.For centuries, arranged marriage was the only way to marry in most cultures, and it was believed to ensure stronger, happier marriages.

In a love marriage, the decision to choose a particular spouse rests solely on the shoulders of the individual getting married. Parents and other family relations have not much of a role to play. They can give their feedback and comments but the ultimate decision always rests with the individual looking to get married. In love marriages, two individuals meet, sparks fly, body chemistry takes over, they fall in love and soon are at the altar saying their wedding vows.

 Can love grow out of an arranged marriage?

What kind of qualities would you look for in your future spouse?
What are the qualities of your ideal spouse?
What makes a spouse marriage material?

The most important decision that bothers most people is who to marry. It takes more than love to make a successful marriage. Choose your spouse carefully.

Red Flags in Your Relationship:
If you realize that there are red flags or problematic issues in your relationship, don’t ignore them or delude yourself into thinking that the red flags aren’t that important or that someone you love will change. It does take more than love to have a successful marriage.

Where is this relationship headed?

If you are currently in a relationship or just dating, the subject of knowing where the relationship is heading often comes up.  But the most frequent way this is expressed in relationships is knowing whether or not you are “together” or going to live together or getting engaged or getting married.  If you are already married, you may have already faced the question of “what are our goals as a couple?”  However, if you haven’t considered goals in the relationship, then perhaps, this may be a good time to contemplate this idea.

Some reasons why relationships go bad;

- If someone is busy with work,

-If there is little or no sex in the relationship,

-If someone has cheated,

-If someone feels as though they are giving more than they are recieving,

-Money issues,

-If someone is constantly lying,

-Ineffective communication especially when one partner does not reciprocate communications,

****** Guard your heart with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life ******

Is it really over when cheating spouses are in love with other men/women? Have you ever wondered what makes cheating spouses cheat in the first place? They certainly didn’t get married with the intention of being unfaithful to their spouse, so why did they do it?. It is fairly common for complex cheating spouses to give up on a relationship the moment things start to become a little difficult.

Rather than admitting and accepting that there  is a problem in their marriage, they look for someone else to fulfil their needs. These needs could be anything from a physical connection to strictly intellectual relations leading to an emotional affair. Affairs take place because one spouse’s needs are no longer met by their partner. Cheating spouses are attracted to someone else who will (temporarily or permanently) meet their needs. Spouses cheat because of problems in their relationship because something is missing, passion is no more there, partner is feeling lonely, people find someone who treats them better or appreciates them more than their current spouse.

Phone Comments:

Arizona: Some husbands are too busy to give attentions to their wives, everything is not about money, but these women have feelings too and when their husband is not available to satisfy their emotional needs or physical needs, they therefore go out to have affairs with other men like their drivers, gate men or some guys in their neighbourhood. Men must create time for their wives to make them feel important and loved.

Ade: I don’t agree with Arizona, because the husbands are not available is not a reason for women to cheat on their men. The truth is that any woman or man involved in such acts already has the tendency to cheat even before marriage. Women that cheats on their husbands are simply a bad woman.

Obi: Some women cheat on their men just to get back at their men. All in the intention to pay them back in their own coins. A friend of mine cheated on her husband and said she felt better doing it.

Peter: A lady with dignity wouldn’t indulge herself in such act.

Goddy: Some women cheat on their husband because they cant take proper care of them.

Kemi: Am cheating on my husband and i am still going to keep cheating on him. You might want to ask me why,, well, the marriage was an arranged thing, i was never in love with this guy, my parents imposed him on me for some reasons best known to them. But i have a man i was dating before the marriage and he is actually the one i am with. My husband is never around, he doesn’t treat me like a wife, he doesnt make love to me,, so what do you expect me to do? I have to find my own happiness. I would have divorced him if not for my parents. I once got pregnant for him, but got rid of it without his knowledge.

Evelyn: I am passing this comment on kemi’s issue. You can’t be in a relationship if you are not in love with the man you are married to.  I will suggest she breaks up with  the man for her to be completely happy. Marriage is not supposed to be a do or die affair.

Tony: No one should blame kemi for no reason. I had a similar problem too, i dated a married woman and things got really ugly between the husband, the wife and myself. It was the grace of God that saved me.

Joy: I applaude Kemi for her courage to publicly declare that she is cheating on her man. Lots of women suffer in marriages because they lack inadequate counselling on marriage before getting married.

Ogon (not real name): I am a relationship with no happiness. Am married with 3 kids, and for over 6 months now, i have been considering cheating on my man. He cheats on me and doesn’t care about how i feel. He doesn’t care about me and the kids, if not that i have a well paying job, i wouldn’t have been able to take care of myself and cater for the kids.  I have feelings too, and i have no one to satisfy my own feelings.

Anonymous: Am married with 2 kids, and am considering cheating on my man.

Chaz B: When your marriage is not working, does cheating on your man solves the problem?

Anonymous: Its not so, but women are emotional and we need someone to satisfy the emotional desires. Well i have myself to blame in this relationship. I know this man well enough before i got married to him. I am more like a prisoner in my own house, i can’t go out, admit visitors. I feel so used and wasted.

Anonym (male): I have been married for 17 months now but i have a problem with my wife. She is just a pain in the butt, she doesn’t give me happiness at all. My point is that, it is not only men that makes women cheat in a relationship, women are responsible too.

Francis: Some ladies are sex freaks and would get down with any man that is sex appealing to them, so are some guys also.

Femi: Could be as a result of upbringing of individuals.

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1 Corinthians 6:18-20, Hebrews 13:4.

**** Guard your heart with all diligence because out of it flows the issues of life ****

 23/10/09  Phone logs;( In the House was a Pastor and a Lawyer)

Brown Sugar:  I am not married and i don’t want divorce when am married. But does the pre-nuptial thing works in Nigeria.

Lawyer: The pre-nuptial act is the western thing, but it is gradually finding its way into our cultural values in Nigeria.

Eyitoyo: I express sympathy for women caught in this web. Women are beginning to see things differently, take for instance, the lady Sugar Brown above. We have lost our traditional values and not cultivating the western values. I will advice our women to stay connected to God. If you are not satisfied in your relationship, instead of cheating, you should just call it quit.

Basirat: My husband after a marriage of over 21 years comes home just to tell me he wants a divorce without any good reason. He hasnt ever complained of anything. Please, what do you think could be responsible for this?

Lawyer: I think this is a family problem or individual differences. You should try to sit him down and talk things out with him.

Anonymous: How come is it that when it is the Woman caught cheating, the Men would want divorce but when the Man is caught cheating, he wouldn’t suggest divorce. I am going through divorce right now. This is not about christianity but emotional abuse.

Chaz B: Children from divorced homes are likely to exhibit the following characteristics;

Academic frustrations , Agressiveness , Pre- marital affairs, Problem with authorities, Low self esteem and so on,

Lawyer: Marriage is a union between a man and a woman coming together to live as husband and wife. Break up is allowed in a marriage if there are in-reconciable matters. But think twice because of its effects on the kids.

Obi: I am married with 4 kids but i am very unhappy. I have been married for 14 years now and my husband had abandoned me for 10 years now. Its so hard for me with the 4 kids, fine i got married very early. I am confused, i don’t know what to do and divorce is not an option for me.

Anonymous 2: How long can one wait to admit divorce? What does the bible say about divorce?. My husband has been away for 2 years now with his girlfriend. We are married both legally and in church, I want to know what the church and the court says about divorce and on what ground can divorce be admitted.

**** Most women get married for wrong reasons and for selfish gains and that is why there are so many complications in marriages. Materialism has bitten so hard into our women.

Tope: I am married for 13 years and am happy though i have issues am dealing with privately and i am not considering divorce. Marriage is very complicated, it is full of ups and downs. All married people should stand up to their responsibilities and everything would be fine.

People should just remain single instead of cheating in their marriages.

Counselling starts 12pm tomorrow at the Amazing Plaza, ligali ayorinde street.

Phone log:

Proudly King Tj : I have heard and seen lots of cases related to this. Its so unfortunate that there are still mothers in this age that still encourages their daughters to go into prostitution all in the name of making money. These kind of mothers are usually the materialistic type, those that will never add values to themselves nor their children and they want the best things of life.

Dumedi: It is probably because of the economic situation in the country.

Chuks: Am surprised you are not aware of this things Chaz B. I have seen many of these cases in the eastern part of the country. I donot agree that the economy has anything to do with this, it simply has to do with moral values of individuals.

Anonymous : This is a lower version of whats been happening long time ago. There has been cases where parents sell their properties to send their daughters abroad  for prostitution so they could make money in foreign currencies and send down to them here in Nigeria. This issue still bores down to moral values and not economic problems.

Naomi: Everyone have their own life to live and rights to their own opinions. Therefore parents should not try to make money through their daughters.  Because they have suffered failed dreams or being unable  to achieve success in their time, doesnt mean they should put pressure on their daughters in order to make money from other men.

Silas: There is no way you can talk about this issues without telling it on the economy. But moral values still remains. Ladies should not accept pressure from parents, instead, they should think of positive things that will fetch them money.

Sunkanmi: This issue is not a new thing. The guy shouldnt go for the girl, i will advice him to just take a walk. What if the guy goes broke? The mother would still come back and persuade the girl to go into prostitution. Mothers should not influence their daughters into doing wrong things.

Kingsley: We can determine our actions but not the cosequences. Supposing the lady in question dies, wont the family or the parents continue with their own lives?. I would advice the lady to ignore all the pressures coming from her family and concentrate on her life.

Busola: It is not wrong for the lady to fend for her family but what i am against is for her trying to fend for herself and her family by selling her body to other men for pleasure and money.

Korede: First thing, for the guy, as long as he loves the lady, he should talk to her once again and advice her and observe her if she yeilds to his advice. And for the lady,she should take charge of her own life,, her mother is just a selfish person.

Supo: Advice for the guy, he should settle down, ask himself a very challenging question that if things turns out wrongly with him, how will he cope with the lady and the lady’s mother?

Melvin: The lady is into prostitution and that is the truth. The guy should know that from the lady’s family has a generational history of prostitution for her mother to be advising her to be meeting other men for money. Charity begins at home they say.

Anonymous 2: It is a habitual thing the mother is trying to put her daughter into. My advice for the guy is just to take a walk. He is not yet married to the lady and all these unpleasant issues are rising. How much more when they eventually get married?. The mother is not adding any positive values to her daughter. No doubt, after much persuasion from the mother, the lady will listen to her mother. The guy should just brace himself up and look somewhere else for a better partner.

Samson: If he really loves the lady, he should do some spiritual works on her, like taking her for counselling, prayers.

BrownSugar: The guy should just take a walk. For a mother to want her daughter to go all out to  get money from men. Them am sorry, that is family of prostitutes. So guy, take a walk.

Nneka: First, the guy should take a walk. It is obvious that the mother wants the daughter to go into prostitution but the guy should advice the lady on what her mother is introducing her into.

Irene:  It is either the guy walks away or settles it. If he is ready to take it on, he has to take it God in prayer. But if he truely loves this lady, he should introduce to some female and male friends that could influence her positively.  But seriously, he shouldjust walk away. This issue is far beyond love, this is reality and a real life situation. He should make a positive impact in the lady’s life even if he is going to leave her for good.

Amos: It is sad that the lady is allowing her mother to influence her negatively at her age. She should just try and take charge of her own life. And for the guy, take a walk !!.

Dayo: I had a friend that suffered same fate also. If the lady is a christian, take her to a living church for proper counselling.

Helen: The lady might not know what she’s doing or going into is wrong, she might just think she is doing a favour for her family.

Bunmi: The guy should just take a walk and find someone better.

Chaz B: Thanks for your advises and comments, the guy is listening also and by now he should know what’s good for him. Thanks for your time everybody and God bless.

Finally: Guard your heart with all diligence because out of it flows the issues of life.

Phone Logs;

Anonymous:  Before i got married, i had dated married men just to satisfy my materialistic affection. But now that i am married, i have this bad feeling that keeps pricking me that young ladies out there would dating my husband.  Because i know within me that what goes around comes around. I keep praying to God for forgiveness.

Tripple X : I am a loving guy and i attend to the ladies needs, i am supportive and caring. So tell me why wont the ladies flock all around me? . But the truth of the matter is, if a lady gets involved with you because of the material things you provide for her, then you are in for the wrong woman.

Desmond:  Whatever you sow, you will reap. Its as simple as that.

Bimbo:  for the ladies, ask God for directions and mercies when it comes to relationships. Don’t ever involve yourself with a married man, because when you get married, you wouldn’t be happy to find out your husband is having an affair with some young girls outside matrimony. Therefore, do unto others as you want them to do to you.

Lanre: Its unfortunate to find out that some so called Men of God take advantage of their ministries to commit all sorts of attrocities with young ladies.

Etineh: Has a younger sister dating a married pastor and the younger sister doesn’t care despite the fact that everyone knows about it.

Chaz B : Concerned men of God should read the books of Revelation in the Bible.

Daniel : Ladies of nowadays are not ready to build up a relationship with an aspiring young man, instead, they look around for rich and made men who can satisfy their needs, and consequently, they end up been used and jilted, sadly. 

Chaz B: Its amazing how some ladies feel comfortable when a married man tells them he would leave or send his wife away so as to bring them to the house.  Ladies should think , and ask themselves this question… Do they expect to be happy in their own marriage with the man?

Anonymous : Found out that my  husband is involved in serious affairs outside marriage but i didn’t know all the while. I am still living with him because of my daughter,,, or else, i can’t stand living with him.

Chaz B : Please read the book of James chapter 1

Peter : the toxic relationship is 2-way thing, both the man and the woman are both to be blamed.

Grace: The affairs these ladies  go into, sadly, they don’t know the negative implications it has on them. They are just like batteries, the more it is used, they more it weakens and looses value. My advice to married women and single ladies is that, always keep good looks, dress nice, because you have to always keep your man attracted to you..

Tunde : There is a high level of moral decadence in our society. Ladies should add values to themselves instead of looking for a man to take care of them. No man is interested in settling with a liability, even though they have affairs with you.

Yvonne: It is all about feeling loved. But the trust of the matter is that,, Dating a married a wrong. What is bad is bad, it has no other name other than BAD.

Chaz B : Guard your mind with all your heart because out of it flows the good things of life.