You say “I do” to marriage vows with the sincerest intent to be married “til death do us part.” In other words, you expect to be “happy ever after,” but in order to attain this goal, newlyweds must have done their homework. What is the definition of “happy ever after” to each of you? Everyone has a different definition and vision and if you haven’t exchanged them with each other, how can you expect to be happy? Marriage is like buying a new house. You wouldn’t make the purchase without comparing it with others, being certain that it has the specifics you believe you must have, and confirming that its engineering is sound with plumbing, heating and electrical in good working condition. So too, a couple needs to compare dreams, goals, concerning where you want to live, careers, number of children and how to parent them, vacation ideas, etc. In addition, it is extremely important to comprehend each other’s expenses. If not, there could be serious problems in the marriage later on. Therefore, to be “happy ever after” means fine tuning your communication skills before saying “I do.”

1. Decision-Making. Here, again, communication is the key. Together determine how decisions concerning the both of you, as well as each of you individually, will be made. Though some concern only you, they may have some affect on your spouse. This is a broad subject and can cover a multitude of topics. Perhaps begin by each making a list of what decisions may need to be made.

2. Questions. Should your spouse say or do something that leaves you puzzled, ask questions. Be certain that you are both on the same page. It is through asking questions that you leave no room for misunderstandings and disappointments.

3. Time-Out. When there’s a disagreement, agree on how to determine some time-out period in order for you each to think, calm down and regroup. In this way, there is less possibility of saying or doing something that you will regret later.

4. Fun Time. Plan at least one evening or day of fun together – just the two of you – each week. During this designated “fun” time, do not discuss work, finances, families or anything else that will cause a debate or disrupt enjoying each others company.

5. Calendar. Decide how the “family” calendar will be handled. For example, on that calendar should be birthdays, anniversaries and special events for both families of origin, as well as your individual and couple activities. Determine who will be responsible for purchasing cards, gifts, etc. for these dates. Will you each make purchaes for your only family of origin? Do you agree on the dollar amount to be spent on gifts? Once you’ve both reached agreements concerning these issues, be sure to stick to that agreement.

6. Laugh at yourself. This is important. Maintaining a sense of humor. Recognition of your own mistakes prevents you from becoming too serious about everything. Besides, to laugh feels so much better than to be annoyed or upset.

7. Alone Time. Maintaining your own identity as an individual is of utmost importance. Space to think, meditate, pray and grow enhances you and adds positive energy to your relationship.

8. Surprises. Few people go through life not enjoying surprises. Perhaps it is a note that simply says “I love you” that you tuck in with your spouse’s lunch, a card that expresses your feelings that you put under your spouse’s pillow, a single rose, something you make, take your spouse to breakfast in the park or go to a coffee pub after dinner. Some little thing given on occasion to your sweetheart adds spark to the relationship.

9. Please Forgive Me. The ability to ask for forgiveness when you’ve done something not too bright, or simply made a mistake, is important. If you can come forward with your error before your spouse learns of it, this is best. Remember, honesty is one of the seeds that built your marriage foundation.

10. Never Go to Bed Angry. Reach some point of resolution before laying your heads down for the night. You never know if you will both awake in the morning. While this is an unpleasant thought, you undoubtedly know of situations where one or both partners had this happen. Besides, you’ll both sleep peacefully and rest more comfortably for having at least kissed and said, “I love you.”

* Culled from an article by Joyce M. George-Knight.

The

What is a Will? Is a creation of statutes bounded by law and must be signed in the presence of one or two witnesses and approved by law, by so doing the process becomes valid.

In the house today is Barrister Tommy Vincent who will be giving you legal answers to questions you have on this issue.

Phone Logs:

Lawal: This topic has to do with what am going through presently. I lost my Dad 14 yrs ago. He left a right up instead of a will. The family keeps coming to claim my fathers property.

Lawyer: Generally, most people don’t realise the need for putting the will in effect before death. There is something we call estate planning, which is proper documentation of properties being assigned to the rightful owner.

Chioma: If the will is so strong and works in favor of the wife and kids, how come issues arises with families wanting to take over the husband’s properties thereby putting the wife and kids in problems.

Lawyer: Customs still has its power over will even when the will is well fixed and backed by law. To avoid issues of families trying to take over properties, the husband must set standards for his immediate family against the extended families.

Oscar: In Nigeria, there is no clear cut solution to the issue of will. Family heads should learn to properly train their children and teach them how to be independent and useful for themselves instead of depending on inheritance. The issue of inheritance sprouts so much disputes in families and at times causes death.

Oscar: There is always a constant battle between tradition and law.It appears that traditional values supercedes law. Why is this so?

Kehinde: My Dad died without preparing any will. He trained us all well and gave us proper education. None of us needed depend on any inheritance. He made us the highest priority in the presence of his family members, therefore, it is hard for any of the extended families to come and harrass us in any way.

The law of succession basically deals with estate methods of inheritance, and the rules governing them differ. When a man dies, the devolution of his self-acquired property depends upon whether he has made a will. If he has made a will, the property devolves according to the will. If no will exists—that is, under the condition of intestacy—his property devolves in accordance with the applicable customary law. Discriminations exist in both cases, but especially under intestacy. Discrimination thus exists in the method of distribution under various customary laws. Unfair practices allow some to inherit while others cannot.

The discriminatory aspects of property inheritance under customary law in Nigeria manifests in different forms and scope ranging from primogeniture rules, right of spouses, rights of adopted children and rights of illegitimate child; although it is generally agreed rule under customary law of intestate succession and inheritance that succession goes by blood.

Efeh: The Bible says, a good father leaveth inheritance for his childrens children. Fathers should learn give the highest priority to their families by giving them all they need to forge ahead in life. The wife must be well catered for so she could take the best care of the kids even when the husband is not around. Culture should not be a problem in a family.

Yetunde: I lost my Dad 16 years ago and since he died things had been very rough with my mom,myself and my siblings. My Dad is a Muslim,he had 2 wives, my mom is the second and a christian, and the first wife a muslim as well, she has 7kids, 4 boys and 3 girls. Because of the religion differences, after my Dad passed away, the 1st wife was made the beneficiary and my mother was left without nothing out of my fathers inheritance. Polygamy is simply not a good thing.

Brown Sugar: Well, i am not having this problem personally. Though my Dad is late,but i have good uncles that has been very supportive. There are instances when men try to surprise their wives, say for instance, a man building a big mansion somewhere to surprise his wife when completed, if “God forbid” the husband passes away, without the wife knowing he has a project going on somewhere,, the property automatically goes into a different hand. My point is Men should learn to communicate effectively with their wives, and tell them everything going in their lives. Afterall, for a man to be able to share his nakedness with a woman in bed, then it shouldnt be hard for them to tell carry their wives along with them in whatever they do.

The issue of Next of Kin posses a problem in inheritance if not properly addressed.

Suzan: Some women are very dangerous when it comes to wealth and properties. I have a friend who lost her Dad and the mother on getting to the scence of the incident pretended as if she was going to get an ambulance to take the man to the hospital, but what she did was to dash into the husbands room, picked up all relevant documents  that covers for properties, investments, money and anything valuable, then disappeared into the thin air, leaving behind her 6 kids to their own fate. You can imagine that extent of cruelty.

Onome: I lost my Dad last year, but before he passed away, he had issues with one of his cousin about a land. Since he is dead now and the case is still on, i want to know if i can continue the case with this cousin because i know this land belongs to my Dad.

Lawyer: I will advice you get a lawyer, gather all necessary details pertaining to the true issues about the land, and take it to the lawyer. God be with you.

Agatha: Issues of marriage, polygamy should be ruled out because it poses a big problem for everyone. Marriage is good but excellent not be married. My Dad was a wealthy man but has  many wives, when he died, all his properties and investements went down the drain because the properties were contested by all the wives.

Titi: Please elaborate on estate planning.

Lawyer: It starts when you have dependants, you should plan and decide what goes to each one of the dependants just in case death comes suddenly. The Will goes with customs, therefore, proper documentations of the will should be done with regards to the customs.

Anon: If a man leaves a will before his death and a member of the family claims that the man was mentally ill before his death. Does the will still stands?

Lawyer: Yes, it still stands.

*******Guard your heart with all diligence because out of it flows the issues of life*******

Phone Chats:

Olaitan: Polygamy is not a good thing. Since my Dad married a second wife, things has not been going fine in my family any more.  It has been hard for myself, my mom and my  siblings.

Leonard: My Dad is simply a mess up, he is a successful man, works the Julius Berger company, but since he took a second wife, everything turned upside down in the family. He neglected my mom and my siblings making it very hard for us to pay our tuition fees, feeding and clothings. why he chose to get a second wife, we dont know. I just know how some men reason, how can you have kids still growing up and all of  a sudden decide to abondon them and settle down with another woman.. It is very disheartening. Polygamy is indeed a bad thing, it has greatly affected my family. I am 25 years old, and its hard for me to go back to school now because i have to help my mom and take care of my siblings.

Nnamdi: Fathers should cultivate the habit of an effective communication with their kids, it helps to a large extent in their social lives. Most expects much from their kids without impacting positive things in to them. It doesn’t work like that, you can’t give what you don’t have. Charity they say starts at home.

Dayo: I am from a polygamous family of 4 wives, my Mom is the 3rd wife. My Mom  moved out of my father’s house with us when we were still young. When i asked my Dad why My Mom had to move out of his house, he said nothing, just as if nothing happened. Since my Mom left him, he never cared about our wellbeing, he neither called nor sponsors our education. But i thank God for his grace, despite how he treated us, i didn’t keep a grudge with him. I forgave him since the day we moved out of his house. During my youth service year, i had a strong feeling to go and check up on my Dad, and when he saw me, he addressed me as if we had been living together all the while, he didn’t talk about how i have been coping with my life, instead, he was telling me about some pains he is having in his leg.  Before i finished my NYSC, i got the news that my Dad had passed away. I was surprised, but at the same time i was happy because, if i had kept grudges with him, i wouldn’t have been able to make peace with him. I am married now with kids.  I don’t totally agree that it has to do with polygamy, it has to do with individuals. I simply think My Dad had acted based on his own understanding of raising kids..

Stephen: I want to advice those who still have their fathers to appreciate them. I lost my Dad when i was in secondary and i miss having him around.

Mr X: With due respect, i want to disagree with Stephen, he is just being myopic about his experience with fathers. I have one of the most useless Dad in the world. I don’t want to go into details. He should speak for himself and generalise his experience with his Dad.

Funmi: I don’t know where to start. My father is never around, he travels a lot. He had in one of his trips. We marked his 70th birthday for him and he doesn’t appreciate it at all. He says we have not done anything for him. This is a man that has never been around to take care of his wife and kids. My Mom sponsored me through school and my other siblings. He is just an absentee Dad.

Fathers’ absence is pathological and severely affects the abandoned son’s capacity for self-esteem and intimacy. Many adult kids abandoned by their fathers have difficulties developing and sustaining self-esteem, forming lasting emotional attachments, recognizing their feelings or being expressive with their adult partners and children. These men must turn their attention toward their absent fathers and resolve the mystery of these absence to ensure that their current intimate relationships can succeed. The reasons for fathers’ absence are paramount as this dictates the effects on their kids.

******CALL IN FOR COUNSELLING ON THIS NUMBER 0813900900******

GUARD YOUR HEART WITH ALL DILIGENCE BECAUSE OUT OF IT FLOWS THE ISSUES OF LIFE

Is it really over when cheating spouses are in love with other men/women? Have you ever wondered what makes cheating spouses cheat in the first place? They certainly didn’t get married with the intention of being unfaithful to their spouse, so why did they do it?. It is fairly common for complex cheating spouses to give up on a relationship the moment things start to become a little difficult.

Rather than admitting and accepting that there  is a problem in their marriage, they look for someone else to fulfil their needs. These needs could be anything from a physical connection to strictly intellectual relations leading to an emotional affair. Affairs take place because one spouse’s needs are no longer met by their partner. Cheating spouses are attracted to someone else who will (temporarily or permanently) meet their needs. Spouses cheat because of problems in their relationship because something is missing, passion is no more there, partner is feeling lonely, people find someone who treats them better or appreciates them more than their current spouse.

Phone Comments:

Arizona: Some husbands are too busy to give attentions to their wives, everything is not about money, but these women have feelings too and when their husband is not available to satisfy their emotional needs or physical needs, they therefore go out to have affairs with other men like their drivers, gate men or some guys in their neighbourhood. Men must create time for their wives to make them feel important and loved.

Ade: I don’t agree with Arizona, because the husbands are not available is not a reason for women to cheat on their men. The truth is that any woman or man involved in such acts already has the tendency to cheat even before marriage. Women that cheats on their husbands are simply a bad woman.

Obi: Some women cheat on their men just to get back at their men. All in the intention to pay them back in their own coins. A friend of mine cheated on her husband and said she felt better doing it.

Peter: A lady with dignity wouldn’t indulge herself in such act.

Goddy: Some women cheat on their husband because they cant take proper care of them.

Kemi: Am cheating on my husband and i am still going to keep cheating on him. You might want to ask me why,, well, the marriage was an arranged thing, i was never in love with this guy, my parents imposed him on me for some reasons best known to them. But i have a man i was dating before the marriage and he is actually the one i am with. My husband is never around, he doesn’t treat me like a wife, he doesnt make love to me,, so what do you expect me to do? I have to find my own happiness. I would have divorced him if not for my parents. I once got pregnant for him, but got rid of it without his knowledge.

Evelyn: I am passing this comment on kemi’s issue. You can’t be in a relationship if you are not in love with the man you are married to.  I will suggest she breaks up with  the man for her to be completely happy. Marriage is not supposed to be a do or die affair.

Tony: No one should blame kemi for no reason. I had a similar problem too, i dated a married woman and things got really ugly between the husband, the wife and myself. It was the grace of God that saved me.

Joy: I applaude Kemi for her courage to publicly declare that she is cheating on her man. Lots of women suffer in marriages because they lack inadequate counselling on marriage before getting married.

Ogon (not real name): I am a relationship with no happiness. Am married with 3 kids, and for over 6 months now, i have been considering cheating on my man. He cheats on me and doesn’t care about how i feel. He doesn’t care about me and the kids, if not that i have a well paying job, i wouldn’t have been able to take care of myself and cater for the kids.  I have feelings too, and i have no one to satisfy my own feelings.

Anonymous: Am married with 2 kids, and am considering cheating on my man.

Chaz B: When your marriage is not working, does cheating on your man solves the problem?

Anonymous: Its not so, but women are emotional and we need someone to satisfy the emotional desires. Well i have myself to blame in this relationship. I know this man well enough before i got married to him. I am more like a prisoner in my own house, i can’t go out, admit visitors. I feel so used and wasted.

Anonym (male): I have been married for 17 months now but i have a problem with my wife. She is just a pain in the butt, she doesn’t give me happiness at all. My point is that, it is not only men that makes women cheat in a relationship, women are responsible too.

Francis: Some ladies are sex freaks and would get down with any man that is sex appealing to them, so are some guys also.

Femi: Could be as a result of upbringing of individuals.

******COUNSELLING IS COMING UP THIS SATURDAY… call in for details on this number 0813900900******

1 Corinthians 6:18-20, Hebrews 13:4.

**** Guard your heart with all diligence because out of it flows the issues of life ****

 23/10/09  Phone logs;( In the House was a Pastor and a Lawyer)

Brown Sugar:  I am not married and i don’t want divorce when am married. But does the pre-nuptial thing works in Nigeria.

Lawyer: The pre-nuptial act is the western thing, but it is gradually finding its way into our cultural values in Nigeria.

Eyitoyo: I express sympathy for women caught in this web. Women are beginning to see things differently, take for instance, the lady Sugar Brown above. We have lost our traditional values and not cultivating the western values. I will advice our women to stay connected to God. If you are not satisfied in your relationship, instead of cheating, you should just call it quit.

Basirat: My husband after a marriage of over 21 years comes home just to tell me he wants a divorce without any good reason. He hasnt ever complained of anything. Please, what do you think could be responsible for this?

Lawyer: I think this is a family problem or individual differences. You should try to sit him down and talk things out with him.

Anonymous: How come is it that when it is the Woman caught cheating, the Men would want divorce but when the Man is caught cheating, he wouldn’t suggest divorce. I am going through divorce right now. This is not about christianity but emotional abuse.

Chaz B: Children from divorced homes are likely to exhibit the following characteristics;

Academic frustrations , Agressiveness , Pre- marital affairs, Problem with authorities, Low self esteem and so on,

Lawyer: Marriage is a union between a man and a woman coming together to live as husband and wife. Break up is allowed in a marriage if there are in-reconciable matters. But think twice because of its effects on the kids.

Obi: I am married with 4 kids but i am very unhappy. I have been married for 14 years now and my husband had abandoned me for 10 years now. Its so hard for me with the 4 kids, fine i got married very early. I am confused, i don’t know what to do and divorce is not an option for me.

Anonymous 2: How long can one wait to admit divorce? What does the bible say about divorce?. My husband has been away for 2 years now with his girlfriend. We are married both legally and in church, I want to know what the church and the court says about divorce and on what ground can divorce be admitted.

**** Most women get married for wrong reasons and for selfish gains and that is why there are so many complications in marriages. Materialism has bitten so hard into our women.

Tope: I am married for 13 years and am happy though i have issues am dealing with privately and i am not considering divorce. Marriage is very complicated, it is full of ups and downs. All married people should stand up to their responsibilities and everything would be fine.

People should just remain single instead of cheating in their marriages.

Counselling starts 12pm tomorrow at the Amazing Plaza, ligali ayorinde street.

No license is required in parenting. Being able to produce a child does not make you a parent, but being able to train them, cater for them and teach them through the manners and approaches to life.

Call Logs :

Ay: Discipline should start from the parents because children learn from their parents by watching, listening and studying their way of life.

Ty: Strictness of parents makes it impossible or difficult for kids to express themselves because fear is separating them from their parents. Most parents impose situations on their kids, instead of asking out the kids opinion on issues or what he/she would like to do in life.

Funmi: I have 2 kids and i am married and we are doing great, but seriously, parenting is not an easy job. I and my husband scold our kids together, my husband does the spanking and i do the talking. We make sure we give them the basic things needed to be comfortable. But you know, kids could be a very nasty pain the butt, but am managing. The truth is, lead your kids by example cos they are watching you. To raise kids effecctively, you need a supportive partner.

**** Parents should give their the liberty to express themselves****

Abayomi: Raising kids isnt an easy task. Therefore, parents should have a set plan in raising kids. If you scold your kid, you must let your kids know the reasons for scolding them or reasons why they are being restricted from doing somethings.

****” raise your child in  the way he should grow and when he is old, he will not depart from it“****

Silas: Parenting has to do more with the parents. What you dont have, you cant give. Therefore, if parents have bad values and morals, automatically, the kids emulates their values also, because they are learning from them and living together. I appreciate my mom for teaching me how to cook, when i was young, i thought she was punishing me, but now, its clear to me why she wanted me to know how to cook,  and it is no other reason but for me to be able to take care of myself. Parenting is all about what you are made up of that is what is impacted into the kids.

**** Ephesians 5:21****
**** Spare the rod and spoil the child****
How do we reconcile kids and parents encouraging negatives values ?

It all still bores down to parenting. If there is no proper upbringing for a child when growing up, no doubt, he will exhibit bad morals and transfer these same ill morals to the coming generation and it goes on and on until it is checked. This as a result, poses problems with individuals, a group of people and the society at large.

Janet: I am a single parent and i am not too happy with it. Maybe if my parents were together and had brought me up the proper way, i wouldnt have ended up being a single mother.  Alot of parents dont lecture their kids on sex education. I have a daughter and i wouldnt want her to lead a frustrating lifestyle like mine, therefore, i am teaching her the right things, keeping her busy with productive lifestyle and how to be a good person in life.

Idris: I have 2 kids, a boy and a girl. There is one particular issue we seize to address. The western lifestyle we emulate now has caused a lot of problems in our society because both parents work now and spend little time with their kids. Most parents keep their kids with neighbours, maids, caretaker and so on. When the right attention are not given to the kids, how do you expect them to relate or behave?. We should go back to our cultural values, both parents shouldnt be working when raising kids, the mother should spend more time with the kids, while the husband caters for the family.

Tips for Good Parenting;

–If you love your kids, put yourself first.
–Kids flourish when they have better and comfortable parents, not parents struggling with survival, depression and etc.
–Make right choices by putting priorities in place. Do the right thing and the right time.
–Invest in yourself, take care of yourself so you can take good care of kids and be a role model to them.

Henry: We talk about so many immoral things in our society. It all starts from the family. Unfortunately, many parents produce kids that they cant cater for and the kids is left to woes of the streets. What would you expect of such child?. Parents should learn to lead their kids by examples. Family values is nomore working in our society. People dont care about marriage values nomore, most just want to have kids somehow and continue living their lives. I would advice people should not just raise kids if they donot know what Parenting is all about. Touts on the streets werent born like that, they learnt that way of life in the enviroment where they grew up. That tells us how much what we teach our kids affects their way of life.

**** All values seems lost in our society, awards are given to criminals, noone cares anymore where people make their money as long as they have millions to throw around. The family system in the country is under attack and a very serious action should be taken to address te parenting issues or else, we are looking forward to welcoming a more dangerous generation****

**** Guard your heart with all diligence cos out  of it flows the issues of life****

The CD’s of  Power of Positive Parenting by Pastor Tayo Adeyemi are available at Inspiration FM, Amazing Grace Plaza, Ligali Ayorinde Street, Victoria Island, Lagos.

Cost of all 6 CD’s is N3,200 and i consider it a worthwhile investment. Let’s attack this battle on our kids and families with knowledge.

Phone log:

Proudly King Tj : I have heard and seen lots of cases related to this. Its so unfortunate that there are still mothers in this age that still encourages their daughters to go into prostitution all in the name of making money. These kind of mothers are usually the materialistic type, those that will never add values to themselves nor their children and they want the best things of life.

Dumedi: It is probably because of the economic situation in the country.

Chuks: Am surprised you are not aware of this things Chaz B. I have seen many of these cases in the eastern part of the country. I donot agree that the economy has anything to do with this, it simply has to do with moral values of individuals.

Anonymous : This is a lower version of whats been happening long time ago. There has been cases where parents sell their properties to send their daughters abroad  for prostitution so they could make money in foreign currencies and send down to them here in Nigeria. This issue still bores down to moral values and not economic problems.

Naomi: Everyone have their own life to live and rights to their own opinions. Therefore parents should not try to make money through their daughters.  Because they have suffered failed dreams or being unable  to achieve success in their time, doesnt mean they should put pressure on their daughters in order to make money from other men.

Silas: There is no way you can talk about this issues without telling it on the economy. But moral values still remains. Ladies should not accept pressure from parents, instead, they should think of positive things that will fetch them money.

Sunkanmi: This issue is not a new thing. The guy shouldnt go for the girl, i will advice him to just take a walk. What if the guy goes broke? The mother would still come back and persuade the girl to go into prostitution. Mothers should not influence their daughters into doing wrong things.

Kingsley: We can determine our actions but not the cosequences. Supposing the lady in question dies, wont the family or the parents continue with their own lives?. I would advice the lady to ignore all the pressures coming from her family and concentrate on her life.

Busola: It is not wrong for the lady to fend for her family but what i am against is for her trying to fend for herself and her family by selling her body to other men for pleasure and money.

Korede: First thing, for the guy, as long as he loves the lady, he should talk to her once again and advice her and observe her if she yeilds to his advice. And for the lady,she should take charge of her own life,, her mother is just a selfish person.

Supo: Advice for the guy, he should settle down, ask himself a very challenging question that if things turns out wrongly with him, how will he cope with the lady and the lady’s mother?

Melvin: The lady is into prostitution and that is the truth. The guy should know that from the lady’s family has a generational history of prostitution for her mother to be advising her to be meeting other men for money. Charity begins at home they say.

Anonymous 2: It is a habitual thing the mother is trying to put her daughter into. My advice for the guy is just to take a walk. He is not yet married to the lady and all these unpleasant issues are rising. How much more when they eventually get married?. The mother is not adding any positive values to her daughter. No doubt, after much persuasion from the mother, the lady will listen to her mother. The guy should just brace himself up and look somewhere else for a better partner.

Samson: If he really loves the lady, he should do some spiritual works on her, like taking her for counselling, prayers.

BrownSugar: The guy should just take a walk. For a mother to want her daughter to go all out to  get money from men. Them am sorry, that is family of prostitutes. So guy, take a walk.

Nneka: First, the guy should take a walk. It is obvious that the mother wants the daughter to go into prostitution but the guy should advice the lady on what her mother is introducing her into.

Irene:  It is either the guy walks away or settles it. If he is ready to take it on, he has to take it God in prayer. But if he truely loves this lady, he should introduce to some female and male friends that could influence her positively.  But seriously, he shouldjust walk away. This issue is far beyond love, this is reality and a real life situation. He should make a positive impact in the lady’s life even if he is going to leave her for good.

Amos: It is sad that the lady is allowing her mother to influence her negatively at her age. She should just try and take charge of her own life. And for the guy, take a walk !!.

Dayo: I had a friend that suffered same fate also. If the lady is a christian, take her to a living church for proper counselling.

Helen: The lady might not know what she’s doing or going into is wrong, she might just think she is doing a favour for her family.

Bunmi: The guy should just take a walk and find someone better.

Chaz B: Thanks for your advises and comments, the guy is listening also and by now he should know what’s good for him. Thanks for your time everybody and God bless.

Finally: Guard your heart with all diligence because out of it flows the issues of life.

Is a mother’s relationship with her son all that different than her relationship with her daughter? Definitely, mothers and daughters share a lot while mothers and sons start out being different, and they continue to be different as time passes. They are raised in different cultures, so children grow up with a “Male Code” and a “Female Code.” Mothers have to make the effort to learn about the “Male Code.”

The old adage “like father, like son” needs correcting. More appropriate is “like mother, like son.” For the mother-son connection determines to a great extent not only what sons think about themselves but also what they think about women in general. Indeed, wise women have always known that the best way to determine the quality of a man is to evaluate his relationship with his mother. There’s nothing new about this. It has been known for centuries that mothers and sons share a special bond. This does not mean, by any means, that mothers love their sons more than their daughters. But the mother-son connection seems to be under armed by a maternal attachment that is not duplicated elsewhere.

A strong mother-son relationship starts with consistency, patience, and emotional closeness, which are important for all babies, and the process is the same for boys and girls. Be aware of cultural or family messages that would pressure you to distance from your son when he is very young. Accept the fact that boys have a different communication style. Respect your son’s need for emotional space. Be willing to overcome the fundamental differences of male/female in order to communicate.

The first smile that a baby sees, the first voice that he recognizes, is that of his mother. As he grows older, his mother and her relationships with men — husband, boyfriend, brother, father and friends — are the first and most compelling examples of how a man interacts, or should interact, with a female. “Mothers are the first and most constant expression of what a woman is,” says Ronn Elmore, Ph.D., a minister, family counselor and author of several books on relationships. “A boy’s view of the world is affected by what the mother has demonstrated.”

And if the appropriate identity is not nurtured, it will not spring forth. Family therapists say that many of the problems that women have with men can be traced to how men were reared by their mothers. Considering the great number of  who are born out of wedlock to impoverished, uneducated and often very young women, it is easy to blame societal ills, such as public education and drug-infested neighborhoods. However many negative environmental factors could be neutralized by mothers and parents in general taking steps to steer their sons (and daughters) in a more positive direction.

The mother’s romantic interests also influence how a son eventually will interact with women. “A son feels that what you say about men, you are saying about him,” continues Dr. Elmore. “Mothers who constantly idolize men or who constantly put men down are sending the wrong messages and images of the boy about himself,” he says. “It is important that a mother do as much as she possibly can to let her son see her engaged in a loving, positive relationship with a man. That’s how sons learn how to give love. Mothers can’t show that alone… The longer the relationship, the more consistent it is, the more committed the relationship, then the better it is for the son.”

However, some mothers are so over protective the child becomes dependent. Ironically, this dependency negatively affect the son’s development. Sometimes they shirk responsibility because they have never bad to be responsible; when made mistakes, mom made excuses. This dependency carries over into the son’s relationships with women. “There is the belief that no woman can take care of my son as well as I can,” says Dr. Berry. “A mother takes note of how her son’s children are cared for, how meals are cooked, how the house is cleaned. She is concerned about her son’s welfare. Ideally you are supposed to raise your children to grow up and move out on their own so that they can take care of themselves. Frequently, men will remain dependent on their mothers, and mothers enable this to happen. Mothers don’t cut the cord. They become resources for their sons… Some men believe that only their mothers can do it the right way. For instance, they say to their wives, `I want it to taste like mama’s fried apples.’”

Some mothers, unwittingly and sometimes unconsciously, try to replace departed husbands with sons. Jawanza Kunjufu, Ph.D., gives a hypothetical situation in which a divorced mother reasons that her 13-to-16-year-old son can help move furniture, repair the car, do most of the physical work around the house. “Some mothers like this arrangement,” says Dr. Kunjufu, a noted author who runs a family counseling service in Chicago. “So they encourage the son to remain at home until he is 40. He never has to leave. That’s why some males never marry. They can shack with their girl friends, and when she gets upset and wants to put him out, he can always return home to his mother.”

Dr. Kunjufu goes on to say that some mothers make similar mistakes when their sons are even younger. For instance, a single mother might tell her 9-year-old son that he is the man of the house. “It is unfair to put that responsibility on a 9-year-old boy, to tell him he’s a man,” says Dr. Kunjufu. “Secondly, many boys will believe this, which means that the mother had better not have her boyfriend come over to spend the night because he is the man of the house, and he’s not going to like that.”

In an effort to have an intimate, loving relationship with their sons, many women, adds Dr. Elmore, mistakenly turn their sons into mother’s confidant and pal. “And that is something that works to the disadvantage of the relationship,” he says. “It works against the boy developing because it teaches him he is responsible for women rather than he is responsive to women. He feels he has to take away a woman’s hurt and pain. When he is an adult and into his own relationships, he pulls away from women, when he is not able to provide that kind of counsel. He feels that if his adult mother is so immature and needy, that tends to form his definition of what women are all about. It results in him having less respect for women.”

Counselors also point out that mothers often have a double standard for how they rear and discipline their children. “Some mothers raise their daughters and mother their sons,” Dr. Kunjufu explains. “They make their daughters come in early but not their sons. They make their daughters do indoor chores — washing the dishes, making dinner, sweeping — things that must be done daily, whereas the sons have the `outdoor’ chores — emptying the garbage, cutting the grass, etc. — which are done about once a week.” He points out that mothers often make daughters study and do homework, whereas they don’t press their sons to do the same.

The discrepancy could be due to observations of how the mother and her brothers were reared. Or it could be that the father, if one is present in the home, doesn’t want the son involved in domestic chores. It also could be the fear of instilling “feminine qualities” in the son. “Some single mothers feel that if they have their sons do domestic chores and study, it will make them too feminine,” says Dr. Kunjufu.

“Tough love is critical,” says Dr. Kunjufu. “And some mothers, unfortunately, do not want to give their sons tough love. I think that God designed the family perfectly with a father and a mother. One [the father] primarily looks at the law, and the other [the mother] looks at grace. But when the law is missing, then unfortunately many times boys get grace only and they begin to take advantage of it. So a single mother has got to understand that with the father not being there, she has to give tough love and lay down the law.”

Dr. Elmore adds that mothers should give sons options along with discipline in an effort to teach them decision-making rather than how to passively follow instructions. For instance, it can be made clear that if grades don’t improve, then sports and social activities must be curtailed. “You don’t want to cut off the freedom to make independent decisions and learn self-management,” says Dr. Elmore. “A  boy who doesn’t master self-management ends up in prison with another set of role models.”

He also says that with boys, criticism is not as effective as rewarding good behavior. “Behavior that you reward is the behavior that he repeats,” says Dr. Elmore. “Approval is a great discipline factor for boys.”

Dr. Berry emphasizes that mothers should start early talking to their sons about what is expected of them. She says they should be given responsibilities and taught how to take care of themselves — how to shop, cook, wash dishes, do laundry, get the car repaired. “Tell them that they are expected to make good grades and go to college,” she advises. “Teach them how to get a job, to earn money, and then teach them to manage their money. Let them know they are expected to get their own places, and then take care of themselves rather than depending on someone else to do it.”

Another challenge for mothers in particular is encouraging sons to communicate effectively. “It is important for mothers to talk to their boys, but also to listen to what they have to say,” says Dr. Elmore. “We tend to let the boys get away with being non verbal whereas we encourage girls to talk. Listen to the son as though what he is saying is extremely important, even if you disagree. Listen, and then comment and correct, if necessary.”

Nearly every mother knows how hard it can be to communicate with her son. Sometimes it seems as her son grows older, he grows more distant. How can we get our sons to talk to us?
Don’t try to approach your son like you would your daughter. Wait and watch for cues that your son is willing to talk. Ease into a conversation slowly and carefully. Give him something to keep his hands busy while he talk. Don’t make an emotional or dramatic response. Remember the “male code.” Let him choose the time to talk.

Counselors point out that many mothers have difficulty finding the right balance of love and discipline. “You can’t be all discipline and no fun and love, but it can’t be all fun and no discipline,” Dr. Elmore advises. “Sons notice this balance between strength and softness… If a mother does the job right, what she can expect is the son growing up and away from her, becoming increasingly independent of her. This can be traumatic for a mother, but it means that she did right rather than wrong.”

What about single mams? If there is no father figure living in the house to help a son feel “manly,” can a single mother ever hope to succeed with her son?

Whether single or married, the mother-son relationship is very important, and single mams can be just as successful as a couple in raising boys. It just takes a very conscious effort to understand and practice the “male code.” Don’t solve problems for him. Let him find “manly” ways to solve his problem. Also, be sure there are positive, trustworthy males in his life to add to what you do: grandparent, teacher, adult family friends, etc.

A mama’s boy who grows up to be a responsible, caring and committed  man, one who respects women and makes a contribution to society, is more than enough to make his mother proud.